Books
Facing the Challenges of Change
1. I will take the risk to change and trust that I am not alone. No one is asking me to compromise my values only to contribute to my future success as a participant in change.
2. Change stretches me beyond my comfort zone and gives me new opportunities to learn and experience success. It begins with me. I cannot change another person. I can only change myself.
3. I will let go of what I cannot control. As long as I hold on to the old ways of doing things, there will be no room for what is new.
4. I must stay in the present moment and recognize that right where I am is where I am supposed to be! When I begin to feel overwhelmed, I will take a break and breathe! I will stop and reflect to clear my head and begin again.
5. All I get done in one day is all that I am supposed to do!
6. Who I am does not depend on
what other people may think of me. They need not understand. I must take care of
me and adapt to change my own way.
7. I have every right to ask questions. I will trust my instincts
and my ability to learn new techniques. The outcome is what is important to me
and not the amount of time it takes to get there.
8. I must be patient with me! Slow isn't bad. Fast isn't better and
different isn't wrong. We all have our own special way of learning. Our fear of
being "judged" or "graded" only slows us down. Identify the feeling and choose to walk through it.
9. I will turn change into an ally so that I can embrace it rather
than resist it. If I do not like something or someone, I can change my attitude
towards the situation or the person.
10. Gently I will accept the challenges of change. They will not go away.
Fighting them will only exhaust me. We are all involved with change daily. I do
believe that I have the ability to manage change one step at a time.
Strategies for Healthy Living in Difficult Situations
1. Choose not to be a victim. Identify the problem and understand who owns it. Neutralize the situation. Too often we feel that the difficulties of others are some how partly our fault, or that we need to "fix it" for them. This guilt can often keep us from seeing who is really having the problem.
2. Separate from the problem and do not own it, unless we are part of the
problem. Sometimes we are the problem. We have all these expectations and
illusions about how things should be. We do not always need to convince others or defend our position.
3. Acknowledge that we have little influence over another person's choice of
behavior. We just can not be there all the time. A person wanting their
independence must take ownership and responsibility for the consequences of their choices.
4. Let go of what we cannot control. We can only change ourselves. Try as we
might to change others, they will make their own choices.
5. Set clear boundaries for certain behaviors. Become clear on what we will
allow and not allow in our lives. There may always be someone out there who
wants to manipulate us into feeling that we are the crazy ones. Stand firm with certitude on your decision care for yourself so you can
choose to care for others.
6. Provide reasonable, achievable consequences for any violation of those
boundaries. We have every right to set boundaries and maintain our own space.
7. Follow-through with these consequences from now on! This can be challenging
at first, especially, if we have spent much of our life without boundaries. At
this point a support person or group may be very valuable to you.
8. When we change our patterns for reacting to the behavior of others, they will
be internally directed to look at their own behaviors and alter them. How they
feel about our choice to change is not our problem!
9. Sometimes all we can do is love them! Work on paying attention to your own
needs with love by taking care of yourself and loving them anyway! Accept
others, seeing only their core of goodness. It's all there as an opposite to the
negativity you may be feeling. Challenge yourself to let go of the illusion of
what could have been and accept the reality of what is.
10. Practice, practice, practice so that no one pushes your buttons. It takes
time to learn this process, but it's worth the effort to reclaim our identity,
as we let go of what we can not control, and begin again to make healthy choices
for ourselves.
The Healing Power of Centering:
A Chiropractic Patient's Perspective
"Each visit to my Chiropractors office, as soon as I arrived, no matter what mental acrobatics I
had to perform, I would do the following:
1. Sit quietly, relax, breathe deeply and connect with the healing
process.
2. Become centered focusing on a point within my body.
3. Clear my head of its daily clutter and focus on my purpose for
being there in the care of this doctor.
4. Mentally connect my intention to heal with my doctor's intention
and pray for the guidance of his hands.
5. Let go of my questions of the week and trust that whatever question
I needed answered would come to me at just the right moment after the adjustment.
6. Let go of any issue of time and release any expectation that
anything should be other than it is.
7. Be still within and listen for the sounds of learning
8. Feel the safety of the moment to be myself
9. Let go of the outcome and watch the healing process unfold in God's
time and not my time! (This last one took a while for me to understand.)
I liked being centered. It had a pleasant affect on my whole being. It also gave me some quiet time to reflect before the doctor came in.
Without the clutter of unfulfilled expectations, each visit then became, as perfect, as it was meant to be. Without worrying about what I wanted
to say, I could then truly remain centered and focused on my healing."
Very often we have difficulty understanding the element of time required for healing to take place. I knew this and chose to take that time. The
following helped give me permission to believe that I could do this:
Right where I am is where I'm suppose to be. All I get done in a day is all I'm suppose to do and if I really believe the first two, then, all that I need in life will come to me.
This has been a time for me to give back to myself at least as much time as I have so willingly given to others in my life. Who I am and what I am choosing to does not require the approval of anyone. It was my time and that time was now to heal. It was also their time to allow me this freedom.
The Ten Commandments of Good Listening
1. Stop talking! You cannot listen if you are talking. Wait, your turn will come.
2. Put the talker at ease. Help him/her feel that he/she is free to talk in what is called a "safe environment."
3. Show him/her that you want to listen. Look and act interested. Listen to understand, rather than to reply.
4. Remove distractions. Don't doodle, tap, read, or shuffle papers. Will it be quieter if you shut the door, or turn down the radio?
5. Empathize with him or her. Try to put yourself in his/her place so that you can see his/her point of view.
6. Be patient. Allow plenty of time. Don't interrupt. Don't start for the door, walk away, or signal to hurry them.
7. Hold your temper. An angry person gets the wrong meaning from words and anger inhibits active listening.
8. Go easy on arguments and criticism. This puts the talker on the defensive. He/she may "clam up" and get angry. Don't argue; if you
win, you lose, since they were unable to tell you their feelings and you learn nothing.
9. Ask questions. This encourages the expansion of their thoughts and shows you are listening and helps them to develop points further.
10. Stop talking! The first and last, because all other commandments depend on it. You just can't do a good job of listening while you are
talking. Nature gave us two ears, but only one tongue, which is a gentle reminder that we should listen more than we talk!
Author Unknown.
Bill of Rights for Children of Divorced Parents
1. The right to be treated as important human beings with unique feelings, ideas
and desires and not as a source of argument between parents.
2. The right to a continuing relationship with both parents and freedom to
receive love from and express love for both.
3. The right to express love and affection for each parent without having to
stifle that love because of fear of disapproval by the other parent.
4. The right to know that their parent's decision to divorce is not their
responsibility and that they will live with one parent and will visit with the
other parent.
5. The right to continuing care and guidance from both parents.
6. The right to honest answers to questions about the changing family
relationship.
7. The right to know and appreciate what is good in each parent without one
parent degrading the other.
8. The right to have a relaxed, secure relationship with both parents without
being placed in a position to manipulate one parent against the other.
9. The right to have the custodial parent not undermine visitation by suggesting
tempting alternatives or by threatening to with-hold visitation as a punishment
for the wrong doings of a son or daughter.
10. The right to experience regular and consistent visitation. The right to know
the reason for a canceled visit.
Celebrating Diversity
From Control to Empowerment
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Since our attitude towards one another is often based on our conditioning,
starting over with new choices and information permits us to reframe our views
towards our peers and the rest of the world. When we work with individuals, our
challenge is to respond to them in an esteeming way regardless of our
differences. If we are without esteem ourselves, our sense of frustration can
cause us to act out with behaviors that cause others to react against us.
1. Dominant / Subordinate / Control:" When I kept you oppressed or
controlled then I never had to worry about your behavior." Your anger
towards me was always predictable!
2. Oppression forces people out of esteem and causes them to behave in a
predictable manner that allows us to get others to believe is bad.
3. Esteeming others by letting them know they are valued and appreciated for
their own individual talents and differences, can become a turning point.
4. Empowerment occurs when we choose to be all we were mean to be and make the
decision not to hold back because of what others may think or say we should be
or do. Who we are does not depend on what others may think of us!
5. Choices: We can choose to be a group adversary or a resource . As we
understand that we are all allies and resources to one another, we create
Win/Win situations that build positive working teams through empowerment.
6. Welcoming Diversity: As we begin to feel good about ourselves, we begin to
feel good about others and become more accepting of our differences and much less judgmental.
Planning Board Activity
1. Make a list of feelings that are acting as road blocks, holding you back from being all that you are meant to be. You may also choose from the following list or brainstorming a new list with a group.
Examples: anger, fear, conflict, confused, pressured, frustration, exhaustion, unfocused,
sadness, hurt, eagerness, anxious, concern, indifference, afraid, distrusting, abuse, loneliness, used, empty
2. Select your top eight feelings. Fold a clean sheet of paper in half and then in half again until you have eight boxes. Write one feeling in
each of the eight boxes. Then tear the boxes into squares so that you have like eight name cards.
3. Using the planning board place the "feelings" into the boxes ranking them according to the level at which they take away your energy
and distract you. For example, if your "anger" is the issue that seems
to get in the way the most, place "anger" in the first box marked one.
4. When completed mark a number in the corner of each "feeling" relative to the position you placed it in for later reference. These
positions will change as time goes on, as the feelings are processed and your life situation changes. When finished write down what you learned
from this activity?
Follow-up discussion. Place one
"feeling" in the center of each table. Choose a topic and sit at that
table. "How is this feeling affecting my life at the present moment?"
Individuals will be given about two minutes to share their answer while the rest
listen without judgment, or criticism. The experience of sharing within the
group will provide support to one another as we gain the strength to understand
our feelings so that they can no longer keep us "stuck" and inhibit our
personal growth.
Co-dependency: Choices and Beliefs
How many of the following statements describe the way you
feel when you really look at who you are in your relationships with others. Mark them with #1, #2 or #3 - one being most of
the time you feel this way and three means just once in a while. There are no
right or wrong answers!
____ My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you and receiving
your approval.
____ Your struggles affect my peacefulness or serenity.
____ My mental attention focus on solving your problems, or relieving your pain.
____ My mental attention is focused on trying to to please you and protect you.
____ I try to manipulate you to help you.
____ How I feel about myself depends on how good you look.
____ I only feel good when you feel good, as I feel you are a reflection of me.
____ I am not aware of how I feel or what I want.
____ I am aware of how you feel and ask you what you want.
____ If I am not aware, I assume I know.
____ My dreams for my future are linked to you.
____ I find difficulty dreaming my own dreams and making my own plans for my
future.
____ My own hobbies and interests are put aside.
____ My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.
____ My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
____ My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
____ I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
____ My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
____ I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
____ I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
____ The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.
____ I loose my identity in you.
____ I often feel that who I am does depend on what other people say or think.
This is all about healthy choices. When we give up who we are for the love and
approval of someone else (co-dependency), we spend a lot of time compromising
our own goals and values to follow others. We also lose sight of who we are as individuals. Burnout is caused by exhaustion. We can
choose to change direction and think through each day focusing on our own goals.
This will bring our energy back so that we can then choose to better care for others.
The Family System
As family members or co-workers struggle to guard their secrets, their "family system" can become out of balance until the "secret" is revealed and the problem acknowledged. Some situations that create these secrets and produces an environment in which individuals feel as if they have to walk on egg shells or are living on a roller coaster are as follows:
Physical abuse . Unemployment . Sexual abuse . Co-dependency . Illness .Death in family . Alcoholism . Chemical Abuse . Workaholic . Not enough rules . Too many rules . Divorce/Separation . Fighting/Violence . Teen parents . Relocation . Denial of the problem.
The "family system" in a chemically dependent home, school or
work-place creates co-dependent relationships that perpetuate the situation by
enabling the "bad" behavior to continue. Hurting people hurt people! As long as "family members" deny the existence of the
problem, they will be in conflict and the blame will be shifted away from the
true cause. Individuals will fight to protect themselves and to guard their destructive secret.
The Enabler denies, rescues and excuses the inappropriate behavior of others and
allows others to treat them as a "doormat." Their co-dependency
prevents them from asking for help. They begin to believe that they are the
"crazy one," as gradually through the years, they allow their
self-esteem to be taken from them. Without personal boundaries and a sense of
self-worth any behavioral consequences or assertiveness, they believe, will only
bring on more conflict and their is already enough conflict in their lives. As a
result, individuals acting out need not take responsibility for their actions and the abusiveness
continues.
Defensiveness and anger becomes part of everyday life, as individuals stop
listening to one another and the prevailing negative energy is displaced on all
the family members. This "roller coaster" effect in time becomes
"normal" to all members of the family, as they learn automatically to
"walk on egg shells" in fear of when the next battle will occur. With
all these "stuffed feelings" bouncing around denying, protecting and
guarding the secret, challenging situations are created and perpetuated as anger
and frustration builds. What the enabler does not know at this point is that
their lack of limits and boundaries, and their excuses encourages the
inappropriate behaviors that they dislike to continue.
1. The Scapegoat
The Scapegoat is often the target of family frustrations and confusion. Much energy is focused on his/her misbehavior rather than
the real problem.
Characteristics: Gets blamed for everything, angry and hurt, appears hostile, defiant alone, frightened,
withdrawn, artistic, creative, rejected, trapped, seeks negative attention,
often medicates his/her pain with drugs, not trustworthy, irresponsible, unpredictable
misunderstood.
These individuals appear to march to the tune of a different drum. They are extremely creative. As they detach from their dysfunctional
system and get healthy, they will seek a job that will allow them the freedom to explore these talents with great independence.
2. The Family Hero
The Family Hero is often the responsible child whose mission in life is to make the family look good and compensate for the families
imperfections! Often they are all grown up at five.
Characteristics: Takes over parent role, protects the family, feels inconsistency -an adult in a child's body,
takes charge of situations, feels "above" his/her immature peer group,
high achiever in school, isolated, rejected, lonely, encouraged by adults,
angry at scapegoat, always does it right Externally: fine, fine, fine, puts others first at his
own expense, fearful, internally feels the need for perfection.
3. The Mascot, or Class Clown
The Mascot takes on the burden of cracking a joke when the family situation gets tense. This child may be learning disabled with a lot of
energy that is often misunderstood. Lives with the fear of being found out or maybe not being funny enough to save a
situation.
Characteristics: Charming, yet fragile Feelings of inadequacy, Family clown, immature, confused,
hyperactive, misunderstood, lonely, does anything to attract attention,
frustrated, insecure, super cute, humorous, easily distracted, overly dependent,
fears that he is the crazy one.
4. The Lost Child
The Lost Child creates a fantasy world as she/he wishes it to be and silently
escapes from the realities of his or her situation in which she/he lives,
pretending that everything is fine. The child is not sure where they fit into the family.
Characteristics: Quiet, good, hides, appears happy, works well alone content, peaceful, does not
get involved, fears being left avoids trouble alone, abandoned, retreats into fantasy, has difficulty with
world, day dreams primary relationships, does nothing, says feels incongruities
of love/hate relationships, withdrawn.
Education is for children and adults who can hear, feel, trust and talk. But children of alcoholics and other unbalanced systems cannot hear, feel, trust or talk until the hidden secret is discussed openly and the quilt, fear and blame is shifted away from the victims!
The 24 Hour Challenge
If we wish to empower self-worth in others then we must do our part to model the type of behavior we wish them to learn. We cannot give what we
do not have. The challenge to go 24 hours without:
. criticizing
. complaining
. fault-finding.
. blaming or
. putting people down!
These activities only drain us of our energy.
The challenge is to replace these behaviors with words of encouragement and reflective listening. It may be difficult at first. You may have to
fake it until you make it! With practice and a constant effort things will
change as you change your attitude towards that which upsets you. At times it will seem like you are moving forward one minute at a time.
Be patient with yourself. Some habits are a challenge to break.
It is all about choices. Sometimes when we find ourselves spending most of our day every day worrying and feeling trapped, we might want to go
back and ask ourselves, "Where is all this is taking me?" When we give
up who we are for the love and approval of someone else (co-dependency) and spend a lot of time worrying and compromising our own
goals and
values to follow others, there may come a time when we will wake up and ask, "Why? Enough is enough! When will it be my turn?"
To prevent this burnout from exhaustion you may choose to change directions and think through each day with your own goals in mind.
Everything happens in its' proper time and all you get done in a day is all that you are suppose to do!
Remember: Peacemaking begins with me being peaceful, setting goals and dreaming. Know that success is possible for all of us including you! Your source of energy and motivation comes from within. No one else can do it for you. Keep negative thoughts from clouding up your dreams and robbing you of your energy. Only entertain positive thoughts. Choose friends carefully with your goals in mind. Who you are does not depend on what other people think of you. Think for yourself. Then you will know what will be best for you. I will choose to no longer feel trapped and controlled when I make the choice to believe in who I am as an important individual equal to those around me and begin to set boundaries and take better care of myself, regardless of what others may think or say!
My Mask
I wish you could see me.
You say hello here and there,
But you don't see who I really am.
It's not your fault, though.
I put up a defense
To protect myself from harsh words,
To shield me from blinding phrases.
When I witness them, my shield goes up.
I act like someone else.
I've become a master of imitation.
I feel like a fake.
Do you see this smile?
This is my number one disguise.
I have many more.
You see, inside of me,
There is loneliness and pain,
A pain no one knows about.
Possibly the suffering of a lost child.
Maybe, I am who you see.
That's my best trick...
That's how you're supposed to see me.
Maybe, it is my fault.
Am I just shy? Why?
What's wrong with me?
I feel unfinished,
Broken. Removed.
Are we all in this together?
Do you wear a mask too?
I think someday I will take mine off
Just to see what it's like.
Why am I so nervous though?
I want to take off my mask completely,
But I don't know how.
©1990 Kevin P. Synowiec. (Creative Writing Class) Used with permission.
Significant Persons and Events
Take a few minutes to write about the following and share your
answers
with a
partner, as time permits.
1. Write down something about a turning point in your life.
______________________________________________________
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2. Describe the person in your life who has had a tremendous
impact or influence on you.
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
3. How would you describe your greatest success in life so far?
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
4. What personal qualities do you admire most in other people?
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
5. What are your most positive qualities?
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
6. Are you more of a caregiver than a receiver? ________ Do you
give more of your time and energy to others than you take back for
yourself?
Please explain your answer.
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
The Estate
The question is often asked of me: How did you as a family manage to settle out
two-ninety year old estates and still keep the peace through all the stress and
pain? With parents who seemed to have saved everything, how did we distribute
the collections of two people nearly ninety years each without fighting? It
actually comes down to a simple understanding that took each of us twenty years
to learn.
1. First of all we took our time and came back to the home several
times on specifically scheduled dates over the subsequent six months.
2. Each of us respected one another as individuals with our own set
of priorities and needs. Just because we are siblings it would be bizarre to
ever think we should do anything now just because someone is older or younger
than the other.
3. None of our feelings were considered either right or wrong. They
were just feelings which we had every right to them without the judgment from
another.
4. We reminded one another to always stay in the present moment.
Each time we tried to project our concerns into the future our anxiety grew out
of proportion.
5. We also knew that no material treasure would ever bring our
parents back. We all hurt and felt the pain of our loss of both of our parents
within three months.
6. It was so important to have good communication at all levels.
There can be no secrets. In the process of the last five years, which was
probably more like ten, we all talked a lot about their situation. Our eldest sister was the gem that she always had been, and duplicated every piece
of information in the process and sent it out to each of us for review.
7. Everyone's opinion had value since we all came from different
places in life. We did not have to change anyone and if we did not agree with
one another, that was ok. The biggest thing was to accept our individuality.
8. Each of us had a job to do which they alone did to add to the
comfort and well being of our parent's. We did not keep score on who did the
most. We all had our own lives with its own list of complications and demands.
9. It was not always comfortable, but it was always okay. Our
challenge was to not take things personally, as we might have in grade school.
This kind of unconditional love enabled us to speak our mind and share, our
sometimes, gut-wrenching feelings.
10. We trusted and believed that there was nothing we couldn't handle and
besides we had our "angel helpers" right there with us and we all knew
it. We only had to ask the question and a missing part to something would be found.
Caring for the Caregivers: A Family Affair
The following are some of the things we did for one another while we shared in
the care of our parents:
1. We were honest with one another.
2. We communicated often and equally.
3. We followed our hearts and said what we felt.
4. We studied our options and discussed them openly.
5. We clarified our values and priorities.
6. We shared the responsibility without counting.
7. We remained non-judgmental of one another.
8. We overcame our fears and asked for help.
9. We took the risk to do something different.
10. We stayed in the present moment.
11. We set boundaries and limits with clarity.
12. We cried and laughed together.
13. We released any resistance with love.
14. We looked at our own issues and empty places.
15. We kept our sense of humor.
16. We accepted their simplicity.
17. We embraced negativity out of existence.
18. We observed their love for each other.
19. We kept everything in its proper perspective.
20. We listened to their stories.
21. We celebrated their joys of life.
22. We trusted that their angels were watching.
23. We made every moment count.
24. We truly loved one another without conditions.
25. We were honored to be members of our own family.
(Please share keeping this ID with it) ©1999 Bertie Ryan Synowiec, M.S., from her book, Healers, Helpers, Wizards and Guides: Stormy Times - The True Gift. Published by Positive Support Seminars and Publications. 800-676-3806
Web site: www. healershelpers.net E-mail: DrBertieDC@mac.com